I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
