i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
