I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
