At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
