oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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