no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
