One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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