Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
