Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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