P.S. I can't hear my feet
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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