she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
