Fine. I'll sleep in my office
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
