I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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