the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
