A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
