how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
