Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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