I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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