Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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