He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
