remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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