I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
