you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
