Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
