I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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