It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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