You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
