I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You're earring is so big in my mouth
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
