i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
