I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
