took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
