So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
