You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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