I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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