mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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