are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
