Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
