I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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