You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
