Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
