i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
