I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
