i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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