love makes seman taste better
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
