it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
