Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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