I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
