Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
