I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
