If that was your dad, he is hot
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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